We recap from my birthday Party I spoke of last time. Simon has flirted with every cutie at the party. I have had a boy take cake from my mouth (I think I am good Karma cos the boy is now a successful artist in Kenya, though I almost shortened his life that day).

Simon, unlike the disciple, did not like his authority questioned neither did he like competition. That real Luo man ego.

The party continued despite the hiccups, I just had to be contented with watching him flirt with the girlie girls and his friends whispering in the background about how I was naïve and stupid having such hot feminine friends around me (blame it on my growing amongst boys).

THE KING

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That night after the party I remember I went to apologise to THE KING himself but he was not in the mood. The peasant was asked to seek audience with His Royal Highness later when he had calmed down and reconnected with his good and merciful spirits. I remember my homegirl, J, telling me to give him time, eti all would be okay sooner than later. Awuoro.

The next morning, I woke up to a phone call from The King’s sister to go to his place immediately. My naïve self thought I was going to be forgiven and we go back to our normal bliss. Alas, she just needed me to open the door for her.

However, when we got in, we were hit by some sounds, the type you hear in ……never mind, siwezi eleza. My ancestors and I decided we had to establish what was causing the sounds. Was someone watching a movie? My heart sank. I almost stopped breathing. The nerve!

My virgin self and eyes were met with the sight of my sweet royal king boyfriend cuddled up with my other home girl, who we shall call by her name-Chebet. My brain went numb. I was but a child, I couldn’t process what was going on. I was mad, I think, but more shocked than anything else. All I heard myself mutter was “when you are finished, I will be in the living room waiting for you”. What was wrong with me, surely?

What followed next was a combination of tears, plenty sorrys and a myriad of naked bodies. He he he. Chebet was in tears. Simon was dressing up. His sister was out for blood. Myself, I was just confused and unable to form any proper statement. Simon, my king, was mad at me. Apparently, I was spying on him and using my spare keys for all the wrong reasons.

And me with my post-maturity age, I apologised profusely. I still feel that very pain in my chest of chests whenever I remember that fateful day. Simon then pulled the disappeared act on me I was to blame, I told myself.

Maybe I was not doing enough. Maybe you need not keep preserve your virginity for your ideal husband. Maybe, just maybe, you need to be more feminine. And maybe whore around a bit to gain experience for application on my husband, my Mr Right.

A lot of questions lingered in my mind. I called him and apologised for finding him. I am an embarrassment to my species. I know. I thereafter offered my virginity to THE KING, on a silver platter!

They say (in the movies, in the novels, in the muchene) that the first time is pure bliss. All I remember from that day is tears, hurt and P2. But I digress. Forgive me (wink wink).

Unfortunately, that one incident set a precedence. My King looked for another nyako, a girl I was in high school with. Let’s call her Lamba Lolo. Let me tell you, this one was full of drama! Things got so ugly, I was even dragged on Facebook for the first time in 2011. She called the man and posted him in his boxers with our furry baby. Awuoro sana!

All I had to show for our royal love was expensive paintings, trips and his constant messages. In my blissful and cherished moments, I never took any photos with the love of my life.

I SAID YES

Let me rewind to how I found out about Lamba Lolo. A couple of my friends from high school decided that we should meet for lunch. We chose Chicken Inn, the one adjacent to Hilton hotel. We ordered and sat to tell stories of course and man stories did we tell. Eventually the discussion moved to our love lives and the people we were dating.

One by one we introduced our boyfriends as each sprayed their Mr Right with all forms of adjectives and gik ma kamago. Thank heavens I was last as that is my MO.

But this strategy saved me the embarrassment on that particular day. Lamba Lolo showed us her handsome man. I choked on pizza (who even chokes on pizza? I hate pizza to this date!

She was telling us all about how amazing her Luo boyfriend is and showing us photos, the same passport photos I had taken him to get just the other day!

I felt sick. I sat through the lunch date. I had to be brave. I had to confront him later. I did. To my surprise, he denied dating Lamba Lolo, eti they were only engaging in some harmless flirting. Simon must be the bravest son of a …..I know! When I told him I was going to tell his flirt-mate he even encouraged me to go ahead. Girl code (if it ever exists) did not go down well as Lamba Lolo blamed me for wanting her man. She defended him.

She took the fight for THE KING to Facebook. I was challenged, embarrassingly, to prove that he loved me more. Simon proposed. That was my first time owning real gold (I am sad to say I sold it for alcohol money later he he he) and a few weeks later when I learnt that he was still cheating and I wanted out, he held a gun to my head and threatened me.

But the gun was such a constant in our relationship that when he held it this time I just laughed and told him to do his worst. He cocked the gun. My Luo mouth thianoed (get translation from your Luo friend-everyone has one). It was not gonna work on me this time. He eventually resorted to begging which, to my eternal embarrassment, worked like a charm. I stayed on until December 31, 2011 when finally, Her Royal Highness the Queen, Lamba Lolo, won and I broke up with disciple Simon for good. Where did I get the courage?

I moved out of our shared apartments and only took the expensive paintings and the ring. I left a lot of things that a woman scorned would have collected in trucks. I was too nice.

THE ENDING

The ending was so abrupt and not well thought out that it took me more than 3 years to even consider even tasting a relationship. However, that should not be misconstrued to mean I did not meet people along the way, or even enjoy a few ginenes, Because I met some really amazing men along the way. some were downright scum, but not Simon levels.

THE KING taught me to love myself despite tearing me to the tiniest of beautiful pieces. Each time I attempted to put on make-up. He would tell me; “You are the most precious human I have ever met. You deserve roses, gold and all the nice things.” I always melted.

He made me believe I was a princess and he kept reminding me that no one would be good enough for me. But he broke me to the core. He was the most toxic lover and friend I have ever kept.

Currently, Simon relocated back to the Lakeside CITY of Kisumo, married the baby mama and they have 3 little beautiful kids.

On the other hand, Chebet got a baby with someone’s husband, Lamba Lolo got pregnant for Simon but decided to ‘remove it’ since he continued his philandering ways. And the money, japesa once had, is experiencing scarcity, but sources have it that he recently added another baby. Busy KING.

Meanwhile, I, the Princess herself, am here still on the quest to find my Prince Charming, who will sweep me off my feet and also sweep away the toxic memories Simon dumped in my deepest of minds. I soldier on.